Wednesday, September 1, 2010

How it happened

     I come from a pretty normal dysfunctional family, no more or less than others.  The difference was that I knew I did not belong there.  I longed for the day I turned 18 and could leave the small town life behind.  I had it all figured out, keep my grades strong and go to college.  I really did not have it planned but what kid does?  They know it all and can see past their noses they are so sure of themselves.    I had a job, saved some money and woke every morning, went to school then went to work.  I grew to hate the life I was in, small towns, small minds and most think it normal.  The proper thing was to settle down, find a husband and have babies...THE HORROR!  I knew I was destined for greater things so when the opportunity came I jumped.  No thought, no planning and no foresight.

     I left home and ended up with friends in the city.  What and adventure I thought I was going to have.  Little did I know, it was dirty, cold and most unfriendly.  My friends were older and had lives, careers and while they were kind, it was a disconnected kind of caring.  I became less of a friend and more of a chore to keep up with.  I soon learned that the money I had would not last and set out to find a job.  I got a job as a waitress at the local club.  The hours sucked but the money was good.  I quickly grew tired of watching everyone else have fun.  

     Some of the guys I had gotten to know took it upon themselves to look out for me, guess they thought of me as a kid sister. They were all military and far from home so I guess it made sense. I would spend days at their house just hanging out, often cleaning up after them.  I cooked dinners for them.  This what endeared me to them most of all.  I could cook, honest to god home cooked meals.  Not stuff out of a can or box.  I would make sure of the schedules and always plan a large dinner when I knew everyone would be there.  We would sit and enjoy a little piece of home that each of us so desperately missed.  I eventually moved in with them and in truth we became a ragtag family of sorts.  

     One night the guys let me tag along to a local seedy strip club and right before my eyes my future started unfolding.  I was told that it was one stop from the end of the line for most of the girls there.  They had worked almost past their prime and there was not much more after this club for them.  I was astounded!  Some of the girls, while not beautiful were still pretty and actually not that old!  Some were but held their age well but you could tell they were worn out, whether from life or circumstances I could not tell.  I had some really interesting conversations with some of the girls and learned quite a bit.  I went back and got a job working a couple nights a week.  I knew I belonged in this world, just not here but it was a stop to learn. 

     I pestered the guys until they decided to take me to an "upscale gentleman's club"  I expected something more definitive but was disappointed when the reality was it was no different from the other, cleaner yes, newer yes, perhaps even more shiny but no different.  That was until I spent another few nights there listening, learning and watching.  The men were suits, the women beautiful and the drinks over priced.  The idea was the same as the other but the difference was at the seedy place almost anything goes, here at this "gentleman's" club it was the same but after hours and at the girls discretion.  The money was also a HUGE difference, whereas the girls from the seedy club were happy to go home with a couple hundred dollars at then end of a VERY good night, here it was in a matter of a couple hours, sometimes even minutes.  

     I knew I wanted to be here!  I went to bartender and asked what I needed to do, showed her my id and she sent me in the direction of the manager.  "T" as he was called looked me up and down, made some suggestions and told me to come in the next morning to audition.  That gave me pause, an audition?  I had not seen that coming and was floored.  I did not know they were open in the morning nor did I know that I had to audition.  I realized what I had learned was just the icing on the cake so to speak.  I also knew I would do whatever it took to get into this world.  

     I went home and told the guys, they threw a fit of course but agreed to help.  A couple took me shopping for an appropriate outfit, shoes and to have my hair cut and styled.  I learned much that day about my guys!  They were a big help and gave me tips, pointers and actually useful information. They pointed out, while they might not wear a suit and tie, they were still men after all and lust was universal.   By the next morning I felt pretty confident in myself and my abilities.  I went in for my audition prepared to wow "T" because I really felt I belonged here.  

     I chose three songs that I loved and went up on stage.  The first song was more or less just me dancing with all my clothes on.  The second I took my top off, I knew my face was red but pushed past it and lost myself in the song.  The third I dropped the dress and was completely naked and I KNOW I was red from head to toe with embarrassment but kept going.  The end of the song, I grabbed my dress and pulled it on before I left the stage as I had seen others girls do and walked towards the manager and a group of men that sat with him.  Part of me wanted to crawl into a hole and hide but I did not let them see.

     He was smiling from ear to ear and told me that I had the job.  I knew I had set out to do that very thing but hearing was a thrill!  I thanked him, he told me to go fill out the paperwork and come back to his office when I was done to set a schedule.  I skipped to the bar and filled out the papers!  I could not believe it!  I had done it!  I walked to the office and sat down and we talked of rules, schedules, attire, attitude, appearances and the little do and do nots  that were not in the not in the paperwork.  He run a tight ship and any rules broken were grounds for immediate firing.  The rules were there to protect the club, the girls and the integrity of the club.  

     As I rose to leave, paperwork in hand "T" handed me $300 and told me that was what the gentlemen at the table with him had tipped me.  I thought I was going to make a fool of myself right then and there!  I could not believe it!  He winked at me and told me I would do well and to call later that evening or the next morning to set up a schedule.  I practically floated all the way back to the guys house!  I fixed dinner and as we sat around the table I told them how things went.   Congratulations went all around and promises to be careful and so on!  I so loved my guys!


The Next Morning

I sat up half the night looking at the paperwork and taking the test, some on the net and some she had giving me.  I was a loss, in some I had the ability to design web pages, work on computers and others came to the conclusion that I would do well in an office setting.  I could find no common thread to bring them together.  I am by no means a pattern person but I thought there had to be at least a small common denominator!  I wondered just who designed these tests and if they really had real life people in mind.  Somehow I did not think so.

I woke at six and started coffee, I knew I would need it to get me through the morning, after the second cup I braved the computer and started searching.  I admit that I was lacking when it came to computers and mainly used it for research and email.  I am very good at research so I started what I do best, searching.  I realized as much as I wanted to work, there really was not a place out there for me.  I had planned my future with long term in mind but had really put no thought into what I would actually do.  I knew if I was careful, I could live somewhat comfortably and not have a worry.  I never really planned on more than that.  I never thought once in my younger years that I would want more.

I always knew I would retire and literally banked on that.  Well they say hind site is 20/20 but here I am now wondering.  I thought of how many girls think that far ahead and immediately knew the answer, few less than a handful.  Most never get past the here and now or what gift they will receive tomorrow.  What they can get right now, the instant gratification of the present and not the comfort of the future.  It is a sad thing really but so very true. I had the good luck of having a lovely man teach me to be careful and to think of more than just today.  I do not know where I would be if it had not been for him.  If for nothing else I have learned for that I will always be thankful. 

I searched until nearly 11am and decided upon a course that would suit me, not a career but a course.  I knew I would go to school, take a class or two and find what I like, what made me sit up and pay attention, what would make me want to be part of that, eventually.  I also realized that right now was just not the time.  So I gathered all the pamphlets up, cleaned up the desk and floor and put them in the recycle bin.  I returned to the computer with idea in mind.  Maybe I could educate other girls, if not then at least tell a pretty good story!  So here I am and this is my story.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The first day of a new life

I sat across from the career coach as she said "So what can you do?" she sat and waited for me to answer.  I was at a loss, what can I do?  That was the million dollar question.  I sat dumbfounded and wondered how to explain that what I can do does not translate very well onto paper.   My vocation for the last 20 years off and on was sex.  How do you put that on a resume?   I was a classically trained courtesan, retired of course but now I wanted a career.  Something for me that excited me, something that would make me want to get up in the morning.

How to explain that?   Do I tell her?  "I know sex and anything pertaining to it in any way!" that I learned early how to make a man melt with a touch, a look, a whisper?  That I learned that a woman's hair is as sexy to a man as a blow job when used right.  That reading the paper every day even if I do not understand it helps me keep up with current events so there is always something to talk about.  The art of flirting and knowing when to use it, how to be sensual without seeming to.    How would the skills I have learned over the past help me with the future? 

She smiled and patted my hand and gave me a stack of paper, career test she called them.  "Designed to help you get a sense of direction and self" as she showed me to the door.  "Take a couple of these or go online and take a couple there and get a feel of what is out there.  When you are ready call me and set up an appointment and we can go from there"  I walked out, went to my car and sat thinking.  I am 45 years old with enough savings and a few stocks to live, my house is paid for what was I doing?  As I drove home I told myself I was about to find out.